see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
