I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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