She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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