I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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