Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The power of my boobs compel you
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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