There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
