How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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