I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
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I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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