Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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