forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
