So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
