I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
