So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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