Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
