I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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