dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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