My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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