I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
