She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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