alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
