Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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