Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
