Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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