please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just cropdusted the office
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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