I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
