Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
