I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
