Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
