She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
