Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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