new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
