my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
