good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
