Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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