Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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