Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
