The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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