Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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