How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
