I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
