we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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