god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
