yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
