I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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