i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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