You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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