I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
