I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
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i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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