you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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