Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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