Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
