She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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