peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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