It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is Oprah even human
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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