i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize