Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
