so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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